confused

i'm soooooooo confused. i don't know how to continue to live on in the dark. will some one ever help me and pull me out to see the light??? this pain is something that is always inside of me.... no one knows about it.... its been kept inside of mefor sooo long.... yet no matter how much i try to get rid of the pain.... it always come back.... am i to forever live in the emptyness of the darkness and live forever in the shadow alone nvr to see the light?????? i don't want to but... i jus can't seem to rid myself of this pain.... knowing that i am hated by everyone..... even those that i love...... (not my family) i don't even know if i have friends.... many people take me for the person they see on the outside... hot headed, always wanting the attention... yes it is true that i am hot headed.. i get angry easily.. yes i do try to get attention from people but.... i live in a whole other secret life that no one knows of.... and having that secret life (which i have already told you guys) is what makes me feel like i am totally different than everyone else... like i am all alone.... in my class, the students there do alot of funny things that they enjoy doing but.... to me, those acts are just stupid.... like some one from my class who bets with people when he trows a papper ball into the trash bin... some find it fun.. i find it stupid... many other things as well......... i jus don't know y i am soo different.... guess i will nvr figure it out... right now, the only thing i'm trying to figure out is how am i to release myself from the pain and darkness.

Tag board... true friends.... true love.....

hey guys... wondering why i'm so down? i was jus lookin at all the comments some people made......... jus by lookin at those comments like wad denverson gave me many time over.... i feel as if part of me has jus went back into the darkness.... like i am never to come out and see the light..... i say i have friends but.... are they really friends? yes they make u laugh they help u at times but.... the friends i have..... when given something hard... they nvr stay next to me... friends stay and help u when u are in trouble but... mine will run.... and then they come back to u when u r out of trouble and act as if nthin had happened at all... are they really counted as true friends... if not... then i don't have any..... its scary to be alone in the dark..... and now... i feel as if i need the dark to stay alive.... but even though i need the dark... i don't wanna be left alone in the dark.... it hurts but.. this pain.... i somehow have learned to like it... even though no matter how much i like this pain...... part of me feels like i shouldn't be suffering this pain.... when i saw the tag board.... many things have hurt me, somehad no effect on me.. but the few that hurt me the most were those that stated i had no friends and one in paricular from someone whom i will not say the name which said that nicole yang is a nice girl and she doesn't nd u!!! (pls do not blame this person. be it a he or a she)... that one really hurt me the most..... i don't even know if i like nicole yang anymore but jus lookin at it....... i dunno i jus felt like i had jus went straight back into the darkness and was locked there..... i nd some one who will show me wad a true friend is...... and if possible a girl who would love me and i mean really love me..... not in a disgusting way.... and i dun mean love as in family love but.... true love..... i know its abit gay but hey.. for some one who has stayed in the dark for soo long..... i don't even know if i want true love because i'm curious or not..... oh well.... i gtg... gotta dental appointment.... talk again another time......

thanks everyone

Heh ....... long time no post eh? i guess i was jus afraid of people spamming bout wad i am saying...... dats y i didn't post for soo long...... well???? wad should i say? firstly, thanks to all of u for showing me the light.... even all that u guys have done for me, part of me seems to remain hidden in the dark... not to come out... half of me is out but the other half seems to remain hidden... that half jus somehow seems to want to remain in the dark... y? i have no idea.... don't know if that half has to be pulled out of the dark with the help of other people or by myself... i jus can't seem to do it... maybe i'm really not strong enough to do all this by myself.... remain hidden in the dark all alone is hard... even for half of me to see the light is soo hard to do... needing soo many people to do it.. all this while i've been tinking that i'm the one helping everyone and no one is helping me... but.... everyone around me............... almost everyone around me has been trying to help me to see that even when there is darkness... sometimes the light can still shine.... i bet u guys have like no idea what i am saying right now eh???? hahahaha. well some of you might understand and some might not.... but.. to those that have been helping me all these while.. even those that i hate like Denverson... thanks... you hear me denverson???? thanks man... looks like u in the end actually helped me out!!! amazing aint it??? some one that u hate ends up helping you.... but i especially wanna thank siu suan, wey han, venusa, shermaine, li yin (ex-classmate), hayley (ex-classmate) and all those that have posted GOOD things about me in the shout out box!!!!!!!!! and those that tried to talk sense into me on msn!!!! u guys somehow (along with denverson) have helped me the most... THANKS ALL OF YOU FOR SHOWING ME..... HALF OF ME THE LIGHT. and to ALL OF YOU OUT THERE LOOKING AT THIS!!!! ENJOY YOUR HOLIDAYS WHILE YOU CAN CAUSE YOU ONLY HAVE ONE LIFE TO LIVE SO LIVE IT WEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!